Saturday, December 3, 2011

For Miss Taylynn Rae

Taylynn,
I know it will be a while before you're reading this, but if you could read this today this is what I would say:

Tomorrow is your 5th birthday and it brings bitter sweet tears to my eyes. I am so thankful to the Lord that He blessed me with you for five years, but FIVE years...already. Wow! You are such a beautiful, wonderful girl and you are so loved. So loved!

I have loved you since I was a little girl, in my dreams and in my pretend play with my dolls. I dreamed of having a little girl and I practiced with my baby dolls. You not only have fulfilled my dreams, but you made them better than I ever imagined.

It is true that you don't know a mom's love until your a mom. The day you were born my heart grew an enormous amount, in fact I think it filled my whole body. I am crazy about you and full of love....sometimes tough love, but it's all love.

I have some really fond memories of times we shared in the last five years. When you were a wee little baby, well you were never a wee little baby, but when you were a baby I would lay in bed and want you to wake up and eat just so I could be with you and hold you; those were some really special moments for me. I was in tears when it was time for me to stop nursing, but I will savor those special moments in the middle of the night.

When you were a year we spent a lot of time just hanging out in your room and one thing we loved to do is dance. I would hold you in my arms and we would dance through a whole cd. I even remember loving the moment so much that it would bring me to tears. Those were moments I prayed I would never forget and to this day I can still go back to those moments and feel you in my arms and hear It's a Big World CD by Renee and Jeremy playing in the background.

Also when you were two you really wanted to learn so we made lots of memories while doing little things together. I would involve you in almost everything I did. We painted, cooked, did our nails, you basically wanted to be just like me. And when you would walk with me and want to hold my hand, you didn't know this then, but you could have gotten away with ANYTHING! The way you told me you loved me was not through your words, but through your heart and showing me true love.

When you turned three, things began to change. You wanted to be independent and a grown up; with this came quite a bit of line crossing. For most three year olds they get to stay "young" a bit longer, but with two siblings younger than you, you held a bit more responsibility. I would have loved to have had three years of just you and me time, but God had other plans. The memories we made together were walking through those times of independence together. I would let you walk ahead a little farther while going on a walk, I would give you responsibilities and tasks but always be right behind you if and when you needed me. This was the first process of letting go. You see my attachment to you was so tight and for me to let you go to college in 15 years the process had to start then. I will slowly be letting you make your own decision here or there and when you make a mistake or need me, I will always be a couple steps behind just in case. And although I try not to be so noticeably attached, my heart will always be.

When you were a four year old, I struggled with wanting more one on one time with you. We began to make special "dates" with each other. We would leave once daddy was home from work and get our purses and head out the door. Sometime we would just go to the mall or get something yummy to eat, but more importantly we just had quality time together. You are such a different person when you are not around your brother or sister, I guess because you have no one to fight with. I look forward to many years where we can just get out and do girly things together and do some mother and daughter bonding.

Sometimes I look at you and see you older than you really are. It is hard for me to remember you're still a little girl. I want you to be my little girl forever and you will be as long as I can help it. These days are precious and they fly by so quickly. I will hold on to these memories forever and pray that God will bless us with many more.

My dreams came true Taylynn Rae just because of you!

Happy Birthday, may all your dreams come true.

I love you more,
Mommy



Caroline

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